I’m Not “Sensitive” Enough (When Everyone Else Seems More In-Tune)
Have you ever gone to a Pagan gathering and found yourself surrounded by people who all seem a little more witchy than you? There’s the lady decked out in crystals and charms; the professional tarot reader; and, of course, the ritual leader (usually the founder of the group). Do you look around and see that everyone seems to have their own Pagan niche but you’re still trying to figure yours out?
Believe it or not I go through the same thing at almost every Pagan Gathering I attend. Even though I have over 15 years of experience and practice—and I’ve probably read all the same books that the others have—I still feel like I haven’t done enough. Like I’m not Pagan enough. I don’t make and/or sell Pagan products—at least not yet. At the moment, Maiden’s Circle is a coven of one. I do think of MC readers and students as part of the Maiden’s Circle family, but I’m the only one initiated.
So despite my years of experience, I still feel like a newbie Pagan around many of these other people. Sometimes, these are people who have been on their path for 2 or 3 years and just decided to start a group—so they did. I think starting a spiritual or Wicca group is an amazing feat, and it’s not an easy task. These people are almost intimidating to me. They’re people who have done something that I would like to do, but am just not there yet.
How do we deal with feeling like we are less connected than others in our Pagan community, and therefore somehow less witchy or less of a Pagan?
I think it’s important to understand that what we are feeling is insecurity. I am confident in my relationship with the Goddess. However, I’m not as confident when it comes to knowledge of witchcraft. Sure, my spells work—but I only do one or two in a year. I’m not as trained (or self-taught) as my peers when it comes to crystal healing or picking wild herbs or Tarot.
Being aware of these gaps in my knowledge, as well as meeting people who seem to know all of these things and have learned them in a short amount of time, makes me feel like I’m not doing what I should be doing—especially considering my chosen blog focus. It leads to me wondering if I’m a fraud. If I can’t figure out a basic Tarot reading without using the book as my guide, then what makes me think I’m good enough to talk about and teach Wicca?
Of course, this kind of insecurity is not good for us. A common response to this feeling is to shut down or turn away, to pretend that it’s not there. I have certainly been guilty of avoiding certain topics so that I don’t have to expend the energy of learning about them–and still feeling like I know nothing.
When these feelings strike, I like to use a few different methods to remind myself that I am as much a witch as any of these other people.
First, I talk to them. It can be a frightening thing talking to strangers. Even if you go to a gathering where you know you haven’t met anyone, talking to the people there can still be a source of anxiety. That said, I encourage that you push yourself to do so, because you will find that you are not alone in your experience. You will find that every witch you meet is aware of these gaps in their knowledge and they are feeling the same insecurities as you are. (And if not, then this path will hopefully help them to see their own blindside.)
Another thing that I like to do is meditate for at least five minutes every single day. This is hard and I don’t always succeed. But in general, I meditate at least 6 days a week. It can be difficult to set aside time for meditation, so I prefer to pull a tarot card at the beginning of my day everyday. I meditate for 5 minutes before I pull, starting with a grounding and centering. Then, I gather my thoughts and feelings for whatever it is I would like to know, which is usually what the day holds and pull the card. If I can manage to do this within my first half hour then it can affect my entire day.
I have noticed that when I skip this meditation: I feel unbalanced, become irritable, and have low energy. I simply don’t feel as productive as I do on the days that begin with meditation.
The best way I have found to combat this insecurity is spending time talking to Goddess. You can call it prayer or whatever, but whenever the mood strikes, I just speak with her. I give thanks and look at the signs of the Divine in my own life. I talk with her when I’m sad or overjoyed. I talk with her when I’m scared. And I talk to her when I’m mad—even if she’s the target of my anger. The feeling that she is there—listening and guiding and touching my life—it is the best reminder of our connection. My Goddess is with me always.
I feel her when I’m hugging my friends and loved ones. See her when walking past parks or playgrounds full of children. Hear her when trying and struggling to create something and improve my existence in this life. Knowing that the goddess is with me means that I am just as witchy and connected and sensitive as any of my peers.
There are things that I need to study deeper and understand more. The journey that we take is endless and it is changeable. We will always have gaps in our knowledge. We will always be less sensitive in some areas than our peers. We have to accept that and be okay with not knowing. We also have to be aware of what we don’t know and take the steps to understand it—if it’s meant for us to do so.
So what can we do when we don’t feel as sensitive as our peers? We start with understanding that this stems from a place of insecurity. We fill in our gaps of knowledge and create a connection with our higher power that is so strong that even these moments of doubt are little more than passing memories.
Have you ever experienced the feeling I’m talking about? If so please share your story in the comments, I would love to hear from you. How do you deal with these moments of doubt?
Thank you so much and remember always that I love you!
From my heart to yours,
Lady Morgana Brighid HP MCCA
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